Ratchet Atlantis
by AgraFan
Summary: AU where Jason actually came from the 21st century.
1. Chapter 1

Jason was raised in da hood by three gospel singers. These ladies took him in and kindly raised him as if he was their own. As a child, Jason learned the art of preaching, making corn rows, gospel singing, and sassing anyone who needed Jesus. He was a wholesome child who loved smoothies. Mango and banana, blueberry and banana, and sometimes even coconut and banana when he wanted something sweet.

Jason was happy and had many virtues. What more could a bear ask for?

When he became a certain age, he began watching Maury. Though he loved his moms, he was curious about how it came to be that his birth parents had left him.


	2. Chapter 2

Jason walked the streets of Rome looking for a place to eat. He had only just arrived and the airplane meal left something to be desired. He pulled out his iPhone with the orange cowskin print and googled some restaurants that might be near him. This was his first time in Italy and he wanted to savour the kind of authentic Italian dish that he had only ever seen in the ItalPasta commercials.

He found a place that had a fancyish-sounding name and went in.

And find a savoury dish he did.

The man was slim, well dressed, and his hair was slicked back save for a lock of his fringe that he left swooping over his forehead. He looked like the kind of person who made fat stacks. Never one to pass up a free meal, Jason saw this man making eyes at him from the next table and took the opportunity to use that thirst to his advantage. _Boys try to hit, keep money on my mind_.

Jason walked over to the man and assumed his best British accent.

"Hi. I couldn't help but notice you...I'm Jason. May I sit with you? I've just arrived here from England." The man took in the opulent eyes and sideways orientation of Jason's mouth as he spoke. _Mio dio, lui è bello_.

"Y-yes. Yess off courrse." he said with a heavy Italian accent. "I'm Fabreezio. Fabreezio Fettucino." Jason made a half-suppressed laugh and sat down.

"Thank you." _Yoooo Fettucino? Is dis guy 4 real doe? yooo. S'aight, s'aight. Just do it for the ca$h_. As they ate, Fettucino couldn't help but notice the way Jason ravished his food. It made him feel all spaghetti inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Jason was aboard a submarine with his new husband Fettucino. They were currently travelling aimlessly through the Mediterranean. Jason was looking for his father whom he had never met, but he had a feeling today would be his lucky day. Fettucino was under the impression that they were on their honeymoon. Jason never told him that the only reason for the marriage was so he could use the Fettucino family sub. 


	4. Chapter 4

Jason woke up. He didn't know how long he had been asleep or where he was. The last thing he remembered seeing was the violent crashing of water and Fettucino's face fading into the distance. Where was his husband, anyway? He was actually starting to miss him.

Then, Jason realized he was butt nekkid, and washed up to shore like a dead whale. He had sand stuck all over his body, especially in the nooks and crannies of his junk. He tried brushing some of it off and giggled.

Where were his clothes? Why is BBC such a pervert? At least he still had his nekliss. And oh look, there are some clothes nearby that fit his bronzed Adonis bod perfectly and some bracelets to match. HOW CONVENIENT BBC.


	5. Chapter 5

He walked into the city and realised he was on the set of Merlin... but it wasn't Merlin. He wandered around looking for Uther but instead found a young lanky man. Close enough. Jason followed him and as the man realised he was being followed, he sped up and Jason began to run after him. Jason wasn't sure why he wanted to stalk him. Maybe it was his killer sandals or that light blue top that was just to die for. The man looked scared as he ran away but Jason continued to chase him. Jason didn't remember the last time he ran so fast and for so long. This new city all of a sudden gave him Spidey-sense and powers. He tried to shoot a web but just looked like a fool.

He caught up to the man and toppled over him, hoping he didn't ruin Mr. Lanky Mans' shoes.

"I'm sorry" Jason said with a ha-smile.

"Please don't hurt me!" The man begged.

Ignoring his fear, Jason introduced himself. He wanted to say his name was Celine Dion but decided to keep it real. Mans didn't deserve to be lied to on their first date *heart* although Jason was the only one who saw it that way.

"I'm… Pythagoras." Lanky Mans said. Jason gave a blank stare thinking, _what kinda name yo mama gave u?_ But replied with "Oh, sweetie." Pythagoras gave back the blank stare.

"Sooo, I don't really have a place to crash tonight would it be ok if I maybeeeee…stayed witchu?" Jason asked. Still looking scared, Pythagoras allowed. They walked to Pythagoras' place and that's when Jason realised.

"YOOOOOOOOO" Jason exclaimed.

"Is something wrong?" Agora asked.

"U da triangular mans!"

"They're called triangles and what's 'mans'?" Agora was confused.

"LOL DKM" Jason said. He wanted to tweet and take a selfie with Pythagoras but the clothes he found came with the first Nokia model instead of an iPhone 5s. JK. There was an iPhone 5s. JK. There's no phone.


	6. Chapter 6

They walked into Pythagoras' home, a small wooden house with a big balding man.

"And you are?" Hercules questioned.

"Oh yes, this is…" Pythagoras began but forgot his name.

"Jason!" He missed another chance to be Celine Dion but he rather be his tru self.


	7. Chapter 7

"Pythagoras, it's been MONTHS! When are you gonna get that thing outta here?" Hercules asked rudely.

"That _thing_ needs a place to stay and I'm willing to let him stay here for as long as he wants… And he's not a thing!" Agora argued.

They had no idea that Jason was creepin' round the corner, but he was. Jason was planning on staying with them for a looooooooooong time ;) ...But if he finds his sub den he outta herrr.


	8. Chapter 8

Jason realized he actually a modern bom and craved his iPad mini that had the complete Series 1 of Atlantis. He started scratching his face in agony cuz he missed it so much. Pythagoras walked in the room.

"Jason why are you scratching your face?" Agora asked.

"Yo mans dun even know what a sub is you really tink you gon' unstan?" Jason said with many sassy head movements. Agora wasn't phased by his attitude.


	9. Chapter 9

Pythagoras was gaining some strange beliefs about beans and was the Queen Bee of his new clique.

It's complicated here da link: wiki/Pythagoreanism (Look under Vegetarianism and then Ctrl+F: bean)

* * *

Jason decided to make dinner one night. All they had were beans. He cooked them over a fire and served them.

"Umm Jason, what's this?" Agora looked disgusted.

"Beans…" Jason answered, with an upward inflection.

"I'm not eating this." Agora said.

"C'mon, they're just a bunch a beans!" Hercules said while eating and stole Ag's bowl.


	10. Chapter 10

Jason was starving. He hadn't eaten anything since Agora declined his beans. He didnt want to show it before but he was pretty upset that Pythagoras didn't want any. Jason used Fettuccino's bean and parmesan recipe that Chef Gordon Ramsay himself retweeted when he saw Jason's tweet: "Wow wow wow these beans r da bomb. Holy". Jason didn't even need to mention CGR to get a retweet. Jaosn just figured that CGR was looking up "beans" on Twitter and found his twitpic.

Jason missed his Twitter. He had the Twitter name Jay-sunDerulo and thought he was extremely cool for it. He didn't even listen to Jason Derulo (Beluga Heights). He loved 1D. His favourite was Harry because he loved his styles. Jason all of a sudden had 1D songs stuck in his head so he decided to cheer himself up by dancing.

Hercules walked into the house, too turnt as always. When he came in, he saw Jason leaned up against the wooden dining table, twerking.

"Is that how you maintain your figure?" Hercules was genuinely impressed.

"What? No, it's a dance move. Called twerking. Want me to show you?"

"I…-"

Jason grabbed Herc by the arm and they twerked all afternoon.


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed. Make friends with the voices inside of my head…" Jason sang as he put his bracelets on in the morning. He missed his home stereo with surround sound and deep bass, bass, bass. He liked to blast all his Rihanna albums when he got dressed for the day because it gave him inspiration for a fierce OOTD. And then he had a thought. Rihanna wasn't even born yet. He could be Rihanna. He already had the bracelets for it. He smiled creepily to himself.


	12. Chapter 12

Pythagoras ran into their home and slammed the door behind him, panting. He had just run away from cheesed mans he accidently knocked ova.

"Woah, what's wrong with you?" Hercules questioned.

"There are some… angry men out there…" He replied, gasping for breath like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. "I may have… bumped into them…and knocked over… their fruit stand…" Agora finished.

"Well, maybe it's the way you walked. Straight into their heart and stole it." Jason said for some reason.

"I did not steal anything! Although I should have, I'm starving!" Declared Ag.

"Well maybe I can go find us something." Jason left and went out into the streets.

Because he didn't have any skrill$, he knew he had to take what he could. "Focused, I'm focused. Got bread like that ain't never seen nothing like that, na-ah-ah." He took the loaf and went back home.

"There he is! Did you get anythin to eat?" asked Hercules.

"I'm confident and you can tell by the way I walk in the room." Jason said as he threw up... a G note. They were surprised that he got away with it because Jason said it was his first time stealing bread but they think he might've lied. "Feels so good, damn. And I don't know why. I'm addicted." Jason confessed.

"Then get us some more food!" Hercules demanded.

"Don't do it to me." Jason said, knowing that it's wrong to steal.

Jason ran outside. "Making my way downtown, faces past, and I'm home-bound, Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo" he sang with the same head movements as in White Chicks.


	13. Chapter 13

Jason watched Pythagoras sleep. He was having deep nightly thoughts about Ag's future and how his currently unknown theorem will be used everywhere. He thought he might help speed up da process. He remembered the Pythagorean Theorem as a²+b²=c² but he wanted to make sure it was right. He patted his butt to look for his iPhone 5s with the pink leopard skin case but then realised he didn't have it. Because he couldn't google the formula, he decided to stick with what he remembered. He leaned over Pythagoras and got close to his ear.

"A squared, plus b squared, equals c squared." He whispered. He felt like a genius. He did this every single night for the next several weeks.


End file.
